Here’s to all the people that are wondering what the heck I’m doing with my life…

Here’s to the people who want to know what I’m doing with my life – just as much, or possibly more, than I even want to know.

Here’s to all the people asking me if I have SET what I am going to major in.

Here’s to all the people that want to know when the heck I will actually be graduating.

This is for all of those that stick their nose in my business, only to ignore me after I tell ya whats up.

Shout out to all the people who make assumptions, then spread rumors about whats going on in MY LIFE.

This ones for all the people who think THEY know whats best for MY life.

Shout out to all the people stressing about my future.

Here’s to all the people telling me “this is just a phase”,  “you’re lost”, and my all time favorite, “you’re going to regret this”.


My life is my life. Where and when did I ask you your thoughts on my life? And if I actually did, that was like 3 months ago and the time limit on that question was there in that moment. Not now, not tomorrow, or whenever else you decide I am “wrong” when it comes to my own life.

Yeah maybe I am lost? Or maybe I am just finding my way. My life is not your life, and my life will never look like your life. If you think I am crazy for changing my major 6 times, or wanting to minor in something, or transferring schools after 2 years then we, my friend, are not cut from the same loaf of bread.

Many people in our society put pressure on getting in and out of college as fast as we can. Put pressure on choosing the major that best works with your strengths and is actually realistic. And by “realistic” they mean; are you actually going to make a good enough income to have the biggest house, or the coolest car? Will your job allow you to make enough money to “be happy”. Yeah, thats not me. Thats not how I see it.

How I see it is that college truly is our time to “find ourselves”, just like all those cheesy movies and blogs say. This is where I put my strengths and weaknesses to the test. College is the time I get to move around, and change my major over and over again. This is the place that will impact some portion of my future, I mean this is where I decide what I will get a degree in, what subject my career will possibly be related to. This is where I create a starting point for my future.

And I will not settle.

I will not settle for safe.

I will not settle for a major that is “realistic”.

I will not settle for a major that doesn’t set my heart and mind on fire.

I will not settle and just shrug my shoulders about being in debt just so I can stay at the original University I started at.

I will not settle for any guy that doesn’t see my true worth just because I am supposed to be settling down soon, or some crap like that.

I will not settle for anything that I don’t feel is right for my life.

I will not settle for anything that is not true to me.

I will not settle just to make everyone around me feel comfortable, and worry free about my future.

I will not settle

And this is me asking ya’ll to STOP.

Stop trying to place seeds of doubt into my mind just because you don’t see eye to eye with what I am envisioning. Stop discouraging me to follow my passions and what makes me TRULY happy just because you think I will regret it in the future. Stop telling me to settle so that I will have a safe, realistic future.

Just stop telling me how to live my life and accept that I am entirely happy with where I am and the journey of getting there. To be honest, I am exactly where I want to be and I am in no hurry for this journey to end. I will arrive at my destination when it is my time to get there. So for now, chillax and enjoy this crazy ride with me my lovelies.



Now to take a turn to something more serious; How does it feel to be sexually assaulted by someone you once considered your best friend?

First things first I cannot speak for everyone, but this is the account of how I felt.

(This is where the no sugar-coating thing really comes in)

Immediately after it occurred I could not stop crying. Bawling. Crying so hard that I thought my organs were getting crushed slowly with every large inhale I was taking. In fact, all I wanted to do was scrape out my insides. All I wanted to do was escape the body I was in. I immediately jumped in the shower scrubbing, scrubbing, scrubbing myself. Hoping to was this filth I felt off of me. Then I physically started scratching myself because somewhere deep inside, my brain was yelling at me that I needed to escape, that I could escape.

An hour after it happened I felt absolutely empty. I felt nothing to be specific. I felt no emotion, nor could I force myself to show any emotion. I honestly couldn’t stop doing things either. I was cleaning and packing and fidgeting, I could not stop moving. I needed to do things so my mind would not wander back to what had happened. So that my mind would not think about all the horrible thoughts it had been thinking earlier.

I did not want to face what had happened to me.

That next day was the day I was moving back home for the summer. It was tough, tough, tough. Half of the drive I just sat in pure silence. The other half of the time I tried to rock out so hard, to bang my head to the music so much that maybe just maybe the memories of what had happened would cease to exist. Maybe they would slip out of my ear, or my brain would rattle so much and hit my skull just right that I would lose that memory. Maybe I would get lucky and forget everything that happened because at the moment that seemed like the best scenario.

You would think that being home would help. That being away from where the assault had happened would help. Let me tell you, it didn’t. That last summer I had sat in my room countless times on the phone with him, or skyping him. I have an entire wall of cork-board that I use to hang photos, and of course he was on there… more than once. He was haunting me. He was everywhere. He was in half of the memories I had from my freshman year and some of my sophomore year memories as well. We have many mutual friends, so whenever I would think of them I would think of him as well.

My thoughts were the worst. They were a broken record of negativity. I mean how would you feel if someone who once was your best friend betrayed you like that? How much worth would you place on yourself if this person that had meant so much to you thought so little of you that they invaded you, violated you with such little thought about it or about you. At that moment in time you meant nothing to them. You were just a body, just an item, just a means to an end. And out of all people, someone you trusted your life with, someone who had been your best friend. If THEY out of ALL people could not see your worth in that moment who the fuck will.

When I was home everything reminded me of him, reminded me of what had happened. So much so that I could not focus. All I thought about is how I needed new new new. I could not escape my own body so maybe I could escape anything that reminded me of him at home. I impulsively decided to redo my whole room and go through my whole wardrobe. I painted my walls white. A clean slate. I got a new bed spread, took down all my photos, rearranged my room, and bought new decorations. I got rid of 1/2 my wardrobe. Especially anything that I knew I wore around him, or a lot during my freshman year of college. Then I bought a new wardrobe. Pathetically, how I was feeling after him sexually assaulting me cost me hundreds of dollars. Hundreds. Just because I was trying to escape everything I was feeling.

I can admit that while this helped a little bit, it didn’t help much. I did not feel like doing anything. I did not want to do anything. My bed is where I wanted to be, craved to be. My blankets were my safe zone, they were protecting me from anyone and everyone.

For the longest time I felt as though I did not own my own body. It was not my own. My body had this strange feeling that my skin was not attached to me. My skin merely was levitating around my body, not quite there, but there enough for me to know that I was a prisoner of this strange feeling. It was there 24/7 for over a month.

Honestly the only thing that made me stop feeling such a way, the only reason I am picked up out of the ditch I was in is because I started focusing on making my body my own again. My fitness was my main focus. Then there was camp. Camp helped me realize that there is so much more to life than the bad things that happens to us. I know that is crazy to say that camp, where we got yelled at and smoked all the time. Where lack of sleep was a norm happened to be the place I finally realized that I was stronger than that. I was stronger than the situation I was forced into by this wretched human. That I was stronger than letting myself just hate him. That God had made me stronger than the chains that were surrounding me. I finally realized the chains were gone before I even knew it because of God. I cannot say that through this whole journey of my healing I made all the right decisions. There are moments I would like to take back, or think over through this whole thing. Moments of weakness I had while trying to regain my sense of self-ownership over my body, but thankfully through Gods grace I am learning to forgive myself and learn from these mistakes.

Today, talking about the situation still gives me quite a bit of anxiety. I no longer feel as though my skin is levitating, with the exception of my hands though this only occurs when the topic is brought up. I am in the process of forgiving this human. I am not, and cannot do it alone. Which is why I have seeked out a few amazing friends, and Gods word of course. I am not afraid to answer any questions that one might have about what has happened to me. And I am finally happy that I have finally built up the courage to get this horrible incident off of my chest. God Bless.

Who do you want to be?

Have you ever realized that if you were to ask someone, “What do you want to be when you’re older?” most of them would answer with the career choice they had in mind even though that wasn’t even the question. Yet we all answer similarly because we have been brainwashed to answer that way from a young age. This is where we have gone wrong. This is why everyone is so obsessed with their jobs and when their next pay raise will be, but that is not what the question is asking.

What do you want to be when you’re older?

If you were to ask me this a couple weeks ago I probably would have answered it the same way, with the career choice I had in mind. Yet for some reason it just recently hit me that what you are striving to be is not the career choice you go to college for. One of the reasons I believe people are so quick to answer with a career choice is because our society is self obsessed with titles. I have often heard these following phrases:

“I am Mrs. ——— not Miss.”

“Call me doctor not professor because thats what I’ve earned.”

“I am ——— the executive director and producer”

Your title is not who you are. It is just what you do, so why are we trying to connect that to who we want to be. Is that as far as our hopes, dreams, and goals take us these days.

Who do you want to be?

Who do you want to be?

I’ve been thinking about this for an insane amount of time, and it just kept coming up. I kept being surrounded with people obsessing over their titles, and all the awards they have won, how many different things they have accomplished, and how overall they were “better” then the person they were talking to. But at the end of the day is that what you want people to know you as? The dude who had a doctorate and a bunch of awards? Or the woman who was married and also managed to be someones boss? Because that is not at all what I want to be known as or who I want to be.

I want to be a woman who knows how to make sacrifices for the ones she loves, but also knows not to sacrifice who she is. I want to be a mother that compliments their children on their brains and way they hold themselves, rather than on their looks and “talents.” I want to be a wonderful wife who never forgets that my marriage will benefit if I put God first before everything. I want to be one of the hardest workers possible, because if they are going to pay me I want to make sure I actually earn it.

I want to be known as a compassionate friend full of heart, a selfless servant for the one who made each and everyone one of us, and someone who is filled with love most of all.

Who do you want to be?

Hello, my name is “———” and Im a “———” Major

"Are you kidding me look"
“Are you kidding me look”

When you’re in college and you’re meeting someone, or just trying to hit up a friendly conversation at some point you will reach the “what is your major” topic.

It could go various ways; From

  • Right off the bat – Hello, my name is “———” and Im a “———” Major
  • (to) The awkward silence filler – Soooo, what is your major?
  • (or) Using it as a “Connection” – I heard you’re a”———“major like me! we must be so similar!

No matter which way the conversation goes it is always awkward for those like me. If you are like me you have changed your major multiple times, or just have no idea what your major should be. You might even feel pulled in multiple directions to majors that seem to have little or no correlation at all -or- feel like you are actually an alien from another planet where you get to change your occupation whenever you desire without any consequences to your bank account.

So what exactly do you do in this situation? Do you tell them the major you have at the moment? Do you say you’re undecided? Do you run like hell or pretend you never heard them ask? Because I have no clue and honestly, no matter what you do it will turn out badly. Well, I am just saying this from my experience! You might be this super smooth person where awkward moments only come once in a decade, and if thats you then this blog will see pretty silly to you. But- if you are like me then; If you tell them the major you have at the moment, then you decide to change it later things get awkward. If you tell them you’re undecided they either try to tell you what they believe you would be good at or they ask you what you’re leaning toward. Where you continue to list off the majors you are considering that probably cover the entire spectrum of possibilities, and things get awkward. Or you ignore them/leave making things really awkward.

No, I am not writing this post to freak you out and convince you to never ask someone’s major. I am just trying to help everyone who isn’t like me understand how hard it can get for those who do not know what their major should be exactly.

In my one year at college (hah that is not that long but it seems like forever) I have noticed that people make majors a major deal (see what I did there hah). Some people that I met used it as a label, “I am a ‘———‘ major, and this is who I am”. Others used it to define how much drive someone has, “Oh you’re undecided/a    ‘———‘ major? What exactly are you planning on doing with that…” -verses-  “Oh! You’re a nursing/business major? Way to go, you will do great things!”. Then there are those who used it to put someone on a scale of how put together their life is / think someone is a charity case and helps them to feel better about themselves, “You’re a ‘———‘ major, oh hun you would be much more successful doing ‘———‘. What were you thinking? Okay we need to lay out a plan for all the classes you need to take and when”.

No joke it makes me want to be like ->

But that would be considered rude…

You might be thinking in this moment that I am joking, or over exaggerating. Sadly, I am not. Every single statement written above I have gotten, or witnessed being said to a friend of mine (because I am definitely not a nursing major).

At this moment I am crossing my fingers that whomever is reading this post is starting to realize just how hard it might be for those who don’t have a major picked out. Or even those who are straying from the pack and picking a nontraditional major!

Let me take this a little bit further; A person is not defined by their major, looks, past, or amount of money their family has. Through this blog I am hoping that what I have written has made it visible that a considerate heart is vital for everyone to have, especially in college. It is the place where people from many different places and backgrounds come to further their knowledge. Everyone is different from the hometowns they come from, to, their sense of humor. Yet despite all these differences everyone deserves respect and love from all of those around them and it completely irks me when I see people being looked down upon just because they are different from someone else. It is 2015 and we are still looking down upon differences instead of embracing them, come on man!

Not all who wander are lost…

IMG_0425 IMG_1545

Yeah, Yeah. I know. I know. This is such a cliché quote that is entirely overused. You can find it almost anywhere; on bumper stickers, posters, even tattoos. I used to see that quote and think, “that’s nice” or that it was a cool idea, but after reading Noelle Hancock’s post in the Cosmopolitan Lifestyle section my entire view of this quote changed. Noelle Hancock lived in New York with a job that paid $95,000 a year, but based off of her never-ending feeling that she needed a vacation she decided to ditch it all to scoop ice cream in the Caribbean and practically share her apartment with the wildlife living nearby. Most would find this insane but to her she was unhappy and needed a simpler lifestyle .

This story changed my entire view of what this quote meant. It wasn’t just a quote that I thought was nice anymore. It was a quote that resonated with my soul. That might sound silly to you since her post says she often wakes up with wild animals just chill’n in her bathroom, but to me it is a beautiful thing. I’ve always been the one of my friends who wanted to live in many places, and meet new people. I’ve been the one who knew choosing one major and one place to live was not what I envisioned for my life. I saw everyone around me with a passion for their major and an idea about what they wanted to do in life, yet I couldn’t figure out just one major to settle for. Within my first year of college I had changed my major about 5 or 6 times. I had gone in complete circles and practically to the other side of the universe with my major choice. I’ve talked to countless people who have made me fall in love with new majors, helped me envision myself doing some sort of line of work, and helped me (what I was convinced of then) carve in stone my major. Yet, Noelle’s post somehow has given me reassurance to throw all of that advice out the window and to not settle for a job with security, this is because it helped me realize I might be more like Noelle than I am my friends, and I don’t see anything wrong with that.

Its unsettling for me to think that I might someday have only one job or one town I call home, just as it might be unsettling for you to envision a life of moving around and inconsistency of your job title. Many people are different, and I guess this is my 2 cents worth of advice that I hope people take to heart; Not all people are the same. They have different hopes, different dreams, and envision different things for their life. SO before you tell them they are crazy to think it might work out, remember what hopes and dreams you might have had in the past. Remember how happy you felt if you met those dreams. Then hold back whatever negative thoughts you were going to say and replace them with support, because every negative comment you make about the dream they have is another chip away at their hope and drive to make that dream happen. You have no idea how happy they would be if that dream came true, or if it helps, think about how unhappy they might end up being if they actually do throw away their dream to do whatever you might be saying is the best, most “secure” choice for them.

I often imagine our comfort zones as being an invisible marked line only you can see, and that on the other side of the line is everything you have always wanted to try or do. With this in mind, I think about how crazy it is that someone who changes your life might only be met if you work up enough courage to cross that line and expand your comfort zone. This person might be the love of your life or the person who inspires you to change how you view life, but where you meet them might be a town away or thousands of miles away. Though might I be right, you will never know until you take that leap of faith to go into that coffee shop everyone talks about or to take the internship across the country. So much exists where you have never been, and in things you have never experienced. Also, who knows maybe someone is waiting for you to change their life. You could be the one person who inspires someone in a way no one else has been able to do, and what if someone is needing you to save their life with your kind words.

On the note of kindness; I, Karly La Mar, believe it is THE most important trait one can hold. Kindness opens up doors for so many amazing things. It could affect someone day or entire life. Meeting someone with such pure kindness pouring out of their heart is what changed my life and led me back to church again. You or I could do that for some one if we live our lives with pure kindness. Who wouldn’t want the opportunity to inspire?

So, get out there! Travel. Live life. Meet new people. And, Inspire others along the way.

Random random thoughts.

Sometimes I question the statement “never judge a book by its cover”

Have you ever spent hours staring at a stranger. Well, not just staring, actually studying a stranger. If you answer yes to that, then you cannot also say that after those hours you studied him/her still had no idea who that person was.. If you haven’t studied a stranger before, then you need to try it.

Study them truly. Watch the way their eyes light up when they see a friend coming to visit them. Look at their cheeks blushing as they laugh. Discover what lies beneath their eyes: Is it a soul full of self-pity and hate? Or is it a soul full of happiness and light? Are their movements soft and smooth like bird in flight? Or do they move like the ocean waves, rigid and destructive? Or are they clumsy like something trying to walk for the first time? Are they quick to smile or frown about the little things? Which of those do they happen to do more? Smiling? Frowning? How do they greet a stranger?

People reveal what is on the inside without even knowing it. Even you do it.Thats why I love to just study people, especially happy people. Because you can learn so much without even a word being said. It is such a beautiful thing that even though people try to be everything society tells them to be their eyes reflect their soul, their facial muscles reveal their thoughts, and their movements reflect themselves and how they feel towards another person. “Masks” only cover so much. I love looking so deeply that the mask one might wear becomes invisible.

This is for all of those who keep asking me “How are you?”

Have you ever gotten earth shattering news?  Where it literally felt as though your whole body could not stop shaking yet everything around you was as still as a firm statue? And the air you once called your own seemed to be robbed from the lungs who did nothing but love and nurture it?  Where your hands and head suddenly became magnets that were attracted to each other, while your knees fell in love with the feeling of your chest at the same moment your eyes began to mimic a salty waterfall? And silence happened to be escaping everything except for you? Where your mind was invaded by a bunch of barbarians who found it funny to knock down and tear up your organized mind? And your thought process rewinded itself all the way back to when you were a child because you were suddenly convinced if you could not see anything, or you pretended it did not exist, then it actually did not exist?

That is what it felt like when my eyes became glued to an e-mail telling me that I did not receive a position as an alpha leader. That is what it felt like to have all my dreams for next year crumble, and my confidence be chopped down to a stub like an unnecessary tree. That is what it felt like to find out all my friends have what it takes to be all that I want to be, but I do not, and will never have the chance to be that again. That is what it felt like to be turned down for yet another leadership position at APU. That is what it felt like to question if the college I thought was perfect for me, the college I uprooted my life for, the college that was draining my parents bank account, was even for me. That is what it felt like to have all understanding about my life, and who I am be drained from my mind. That is what it felt like to receive earth shattering news.

All I have been dreaming about, since my second or third week of attending APU, is being an Alpha leader. Being the person who helps them adjust to life as a college freshman. The one who leaves cute encouraging notes during their midterms or finals, and sets up fun activities to do with other groups. I wanted to help them feel comfortable in their own skin; to teach them that they may be on a campus with tons of people they do not know, and even more people that are different from them in multiple ways, but that was okay! To teach them to embrace their differences, and diversity because that is what makes them who they are, and that is all they should want to be. Being an Alpha leader was important to me because my Alpha leader was not only the person who helped me adjust, but she taught me what it meant to be a friend who was selfless, and she was also a religious role model for me. She taught me to put God first (hah our school moto), and keep God in everything I do. Her teaching me this meant the world to me, and helped me tremendously, thats why I wanted to be an Alpha leader; I wanted to be that person for someone else. Some people may not understand why this means so much to me, but I believe we have the ability to change the world by helping people see the power of having God in our lives, and learning how to live as he called us to. That is why I am so shaken up about the fact that I do not get to be side by side with freshman who are still learning this concept, its truth, and helping them understand it by being an example to them.

So I guess what I am saying is right now I am not okay. I am not handling this well at all, but I am slowing coming to grips with the fact that I may not get to be that person for a group of Freshman next year, but maybe there is something more. I am learning to accept God’s plan for my life even if finding out part of his plan happens to shake and shatter everything I thought I knew. Its hard to understand that being an Alpha leader is not in His plan, even after so many people told me I would be perfect for the job and that they expected me to get Alpha more than anyone else.. But there is nothing else I can do but trust in him.

And I guess what I am also saying is that for those of you who do get the chance to be an Alpha leader; I hope you put your best into that group. I beg of you to pour your heart and soul into them, because even if you do not feel as though you may be affecting them or making a difference in their lives, I bet at least one thing will stick with them. And I hope for the life of me that what you leave them with is not a horrible experience that just wasted their time during their first semester like I heard happened for more of my friends than not. I pray that you teach them everything my Alpha leader taught me, and anything else you believe could benefit them. I hope you understand how lucky you are to get to be in a leadership position, because so many of us wanted to be in your place. And I beg you stick to the commitment you are making, because you have the ability to make their time in that group something they look forward to and grow in, or something they despise and talk badly about. Even though I am not an Alpha leader; I will be praying for all the people who have received Alpha and that God will also move in them, and assist them on this wonderful journey they get to be apart of. God bless.

“Gods way is better than your way. His plan is bigger than your plan. His dream for your life is more rewarding, more fulfilling, better than you’ve ever dreamed of. Now stay open and let God do it His way”