Here’s to all the people that are wondering what the heck I’m doing with my life…

Here’s to the people who want to know what I’m doing with my life – just as much, or possibly more, than I even want to know.

Here’s to all the people asking me if I have SET what I am going to major in.

Here’s to all the people that want to know when the heck I will actually be graduating.

This is for all of those that stick their nose in my business, only to ignore me after I tell ya whats up.

Shout out to all the people who make assumptions, then spread rumors about whats going on in MY LIFE.

This ones for all the people who think THEY know whats best for MY life.

Shout out to all the people stressing about my future.

Here’s to all the people telling me “this is just a phase”,  “you’re lost”, and my all time favorite, “you’re going to regret this”.

WOOOOOOO

My life is my life. Where and when did I ask you your thoughts on my life? And if I actually did, that was like 3 months ago and the time limit on that question was there in that moment. Not now, not tomorrow, or whenever else you decide I am “wrong” when it comes to my own life.

Yeah maybe I am lost? Or maybe I am just finding my way. My life is not your life, and my life will never look like your life. If you think I am crazy for changing my major 6 times, or wanting to minor in something, or transferring schools after 2 years then we, my friend, are not cut from the same loaf of bread.

Many people in our society put pressure on getting in and out of college as fast as we can. Put pressure on choosing the major that best works with your strengths and is actually realistic. And by “realistic” they mean; are you actually going to make a good enough income to have the biggest house, or the coolest car? Will your job allow you to make enough money to “be happy”. Yeah, thats not me. Thats not how I see it.

How I see it is that college truly is our time to “find ourselves”, just like all those cheesy movies and blogs say. This is where I put my strengths and weaknesses to the test. College is the time I get to move around, and change my major over and over again. This is the place that will impact some portion of my future, I mean this is where I decide what I will get a degree in, what subject my career will possibly be related to. This is where I create a starting point for my future.

And I will not settle.

I will not settle for safe.

I will not settle for a major that is “realistic”.

I will not settle for a major that doesn’t set my heart and mind on fire.

I will not settle and just shrug my shoulders about being in debt just so I can stay at the original University I started at.

I will not settle for any guy that doesn’t see my true worth just because I am supposed to be settling down soon, or some crap like that.

I will not settle for anything that I don’t feel is right for my life.

I will not settle for anything that is not true to me.

I will not settle just to make everyone around me feel comfortable, and worry free about my future.

I will not settle

And this is me asking ya’ll to STOP.

Stop trying to place seeds of doubt into my mind just because you don’t see eye to eye with what I am envisioning. Stop discouraging me to follow my passions and what makes me TRULY happy just because you think I will regret it in the future. Stop telling me to settle so that I will have a safe, realistic future.

Just stop telling me how to live my life and accept that I am entirely happy with where I am and the journey of getting there. To be honest, I am exactly where I want to be and I am in no hurry for this journey to end. I will arrive at my destination when it is my time to get there. So for now, chillax and enjoy this crazy ride with me my lovelies.

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The Stealing

I have been contemplating making this post for months now. Three months to be exact. I don’t know why now, why in this moment I am deciding to write this but I believe it is time for me to lay it all out on the line and let everyone do what they please with it.

I am not going to sugar coat this. I am not going to write this post in a specific way or word it such that it will not offend anyone or make anyone feel uncomfortable. This topic is an uncomfortable topic. It is not one people want to talk about let alone even acknowledge, and that is the problem.

This topic is sexual assault.

This is the topic because this last May I was sexually assaulted by one of my guy best friends.

I can honestly say that at that time I had trusted him with my life,  I would have even taken a bullet for him if it came down to it. During my freshman year of college this particular guy was one of the main people I hung out with, and the amount of photos I have with him from that year is insane.

I know when people hear about sexual assault they immediately want to know how, but I am not going to get into gory details of what had happened that night because those details should not be important for you all to know, nor should it worry you. I strongly believe that the details are for whomever was assaulted and whomever they decided to share those details with.

Honestly, what frustrates me about the topic of sexual assault is that so many people believe they deserve to know those details. That them even knowing I was sexually assaulted gives them the authority to know such information about my life, about this haunting memory. Then other time people take this information and treat it as though it is a burden for them to know that it happened. They act as if I suddenly just ruined a portion of their life by confiding in them about this. I do not know how you would react if someone did such a thing to you, but I know for me that I take this as quite an insult. I am sorry that I am your friend and such a horrible thing happened to me. I am sorry that I have listened to hours of you complaining or crying or confessing your deepest worries to me, but at my time of need my shit is too much for you to handle. I am sorry that someone decided that my body was just an item for them to steal from me. I am sorry that I could not control if or if not this happened to me. I am sorry that you decided that this information is a burden for you to know. But really, I am not sorry whatsoever. 

I have known people in the past to learn about someone getting sexually assaulted and their immediate reaction went somewhere along the lines of, “What happened!? Did they really get sexually assaulted? Were they asking for it? You know by the way they were dressed, or the type of drink they were drinking..” And that kills me inside. It is unacceptable that those are the questions worrying someone first. Why aren’t we worried if that person is alright, or if they have a support system behind them? Why aren’t we worried if that person feels comfortable enough to report what had happened? Why aren’t we worried if the assaulter knows what he/she did was wrong and doesn’t do it to another person?

Recently, I found this post by Alice Brine and I believe that she sums up my stance quite clearly when people try to make the argument that what they were wearing and or drinking truly matters.

Screen Shot 2016-08-04 at 11.53.47 AM

No means no. And if they are too drunk to make a sound decision, is is a no. If they aren’t awake to make a decision, it is a no. Here’s a little video that lightens the mood about this very serious topic, but it is clear as well. Because; Consent really is everything.

Now to take a turn to something more serious; How does it feel to be sexually assaulted by someone you once considered your best friend? Which you will find in the following post.

Levitating

Now to take a turn to something more serious; How does it feel to be sexually assaulted by someone you once considered your best friend?

First things first I cannot speak for everyone, but this is the account of how I felt.

(This is where the no sugar-coating thing really comes in)

Immediately after it occurred I could not stop crying. Bawling. Crying so hard that I thought my organs were getting crushed slowly with every large inhale I was taking. In fact, all I wanted to do was scrape out my insides. All I wanted to do was escape the body I was in. I immediately jumped in the shower scrubbing, scrubbing, scrubbing myself. Hoping to was this filth I felt off of me. Then I physically started scratching myself because somewhere deep inside, my brain was yelling at me that I needed to escape, that I could escape.

An hour after it happened I felt absolutely empty. I felt nothing to be specific. I felt no emotion, nor could I force myself to show any emotion. I honestly couldn’t stop doing things either. I was cleaning and packing and fidgeting, I could not stop moving. I needed to do things so my mind would not wander back to what had happened. So that my mind would not think about all the horrible thoughts it had been thinking earlier.

I did not want to face what had happened to me.

That next day was the day I was moving back home for the summer. It was tough, tough, tough. Half of the drive I just sat in pure silence. The other half of the time I tried to rock out so hard, to bang my head to the music so much that maybe just maybe the memories of what had happened would cease to exist. Maybe they would slip out of my ear, or my brain would rattle so much and hit my skull just right that I would lose that memory. Maybe I would get lucky and forget everything that happened because at the moment that seemed like the best scenario.

You would think that being home would help. That being away from where the assault had happened would help. Let me tell you, it didn’t. That last summer I had sat in my room countless times on the phone with him, or skyping him. I have an entire wall of cork-board that I use to hang photos, and of course he was on there… more than once. He was haunting me. He was everywhere. He was in half of the memories I had from my freshman year and some of my sophomore year memories as well. We have many mutual friends, so whenever I would think of them I would think of him as well.

My thoughts were the worst. They were a broken record of negativity. I mean how would you feel if someone who once was your best friend betrayed you like that? How much worth would you place on yourself if this person that had meant so much to you thought so little of you that they invaded you, violated you with such little thought about it or about you. At that moment in time you meant nothing to them. You were just a body, just an item, just a means to an end. And out of all people, someone you trusted your life with, someone who had been your best friend. If THEY out of ALL people could not see your worth in that moment who the fuck will.

When I was home everything reminded me of him, reminded me of what had happened. So much so that I could not focus. All I thought about is how I needed new new new. I could not escape my own body so maybe I could escape anything that reminded me of him at home. I impulsively decided to redo my whole room and go through my whole wardrobe. I painted my walls white. A clean slate. I got a new bed spread, took down all my photos, rearranged my room, and bought new decorations. I got rid of 1/2 my wardrobe. Especially anything that I knew I wore around him, or a lot during my freshman year of college. Then I bought a new wardrobe. Pathetically, how I was feeling after him sexually assaulting me cost me hundreds of dollars. Hundreds. Just because I was trying to escape everything I was feeling.

I can admit that while this helped a little bit, it didn’t help much. I did not feel like doing anything. I did not want to do anything. My bed is where I wanted to be, craved to be. My blankets were my safe zone, they were protecting me from anyone and everyone.

For the longest time I felt as though I did not own my own body. It was not my own. My body had this strange feeling that my skin was not attached to me. My skin merely was levitating around my body, not quite there, but there enough for me to know that I was a prisoner of this strange feeling. It was there 24/7 for over a month.

Honestly the only thing that made me stop feeling such a way, the only reason I am picked up out of the ditch I was in is because I started focusing on making my body my own again. My fitness was my main focus. Then there was camp. Camp helped me realize that there is so much more to life than the bad things that happens to us. I know that is crazy to say that camp, where we got yelled at and smoked all the time. Where lack of sleep was a norm happened to be the place I finally realized that I was stronger than that. I was stronger than the situation I was forced into by this wretched human. That I was stronger than letting myself just hate him. That God had made me stronger than the chains that were surrounding me. I finally realized the chains were gone before I even knew it because of God. I cannot say that through this whole journey of my healing I made all the right decisions. There are moments I would like to take back, or think over through this whole thing. Moments of weakness I had while trying to regain my sense of self-ownership over my body, but thankfully through Gods grace I am learning to forgive myself and learn from these mistakes.

Today, talking about the situation still gives me quite a bit of anxiety. I no longer feel as though my skin is levitating, with the exception of my hands though this only occurs when the topic is brought up. I am in the process of forgiving this human. I am not, and cannot do it alone. Which is why I have seeked out a few amazing friends, and Gods word of course. I am not afraid to answer any questions that one might have about what has happened to me. And I am finally happy that I have finally built up the courage to get this horrible incident off of my chest. God Bless.

Hello, my name is “———” and Im a “———” Major

"Are you kidding me look"
“Are you kidding me look”

When you’re in college and you’re meeting someone, or just trying to hit up a friendly conversation at some point you will reach the “what is your major” topic.

It could go various ways; From

  • Right off the bat – Hello, my name is “———” and Im a “———” Major
  • (to) The awkward silence filler – Soooo, what is your major?
  • (or) Using it as a “Connection” – I heard you’re a”———“major like me! we must be so similar!

No matter which way the conversation goes it is always awkward for those like me. If you are like me you have changed your major multiple times, or just have no idea what your major should be. You might even feel pulled in multiple directions to majors that seem to have little or no correlation at all -or- feel like you are actually an alien from another planet where you get to change your occupation whenever you desire without any consequences to your bank account.

So what exactly do you do in this situation? Do you tell them the major you have at the moment? Do you say you’re undecided? Do you run like hell or pretend you never heard them ask? Because I have no clue and honestly, no matter what you do it will turn out badly. Well, I am just saying this from my experience! You might be this super smooth person where awkward moments only come once in a decade, and if thats you then this blog will see pretty silly to you. But- if you are like me then; If you tell them the major you have at the moment, then you decide to change it later things get awkward. If you tell them you’re undecided they either try to tell you what they believe you would be good at or they ask you what you’re leaning toward. Where you continue to list off the majors you are considering that probably cover the entire spectrum of possibilities, and things get awkward. Or you ignore them/leave making things really awkward.

No, I am not writing this post to freak you out and convince you to never ask someone’s major. I am just trying to help everyone who isn’t like me understand how hard it can get for those who do not know what their major should be exactly.

In my one year at college (hah that is not that long but it seems like forever) I have noticed that people make majors a major deal (see what I did there hah). Some people that I met used it as a label, “I am a ‘———‘ major, and this is who I am”. Others used it to define how much drive someone has, “Oh you’re undecided/a    ‘———‘ major? What exactly are you planning on doing with that…” -verses-  “Oh! You’re a nursing/business major? Way to go, you will do great things!”. Then there are those who used it to put someone on a scale of how put together their life is / think someone is a charity case and helps them to feel better about themselves, “You’re a ‘———‘ major, oh hun you would be much more successful doing ‘———‘. What were you thinking? Okay we need to lay out a plan for all the classes you need to take and when”.

No joke it makes me want to be like ->

But that would be considered rude…

You might be thinking in this moment that I am joking, or over exaggerating. Sadly, I am not. Every single statement written above I have gotten, or witnessed being said to a friend of mine (because I am definitely not a nursing major).

At this moment I am crossing my fingers that whomever is reading this post is starting to realize just how hard it might be for those who don’t have a major picked out. Or even those who are straying from the pack and picking a nontraditional major!

Let me take this a little bit further; A person is not defined by their major, looks, past, or amount of money their family has. Through this blog I am hoping that what I have written has made it visible that a considerate heart is vital for everyone to have, especially in college. It is the place where people from many different places and backgrounds come to further their knowledge. Everyone is different from the hometowns they come from, to, their sense of humor. Yet despite all these differences everyone deserves respect and love from all of those around them and it completely irks me when I see people being looked down upon just because they are different from someone else. It is 2015 and we are still looking down upon differences instead of embracing them, come on man!

Emotions

Have you ever felt an emotion and thought to yourself, “No you cannot feel this. You are wrong. Stop!”

How do you tell your body and your mind not to feel a certain way, or rewire it to be on the same page as you? What do you do when your body and heart do not know what your brain might.
No – you cannot miss them.
No – you cannot have feelings for them.
No – they are not your friend anymore.
No – do not feel anger towards them.
No- I am over it, sadness is no longer necessary.
I find it jaw dropping how truly separate our thoughts and our emotions can be. As if your subconscious knows something you dont, or something you won’t let it. At times this is helpful. For example when you tell yourself not to be mad at a certain person or remind yourself someone is not worth your time, but in other cases such as sadness or having feelings for another person it might not be. Your body and subconscious is telling you the truth even if you do not want to accept it. Honestly that is a beautiful thing! And I believe I need to stop burying these emotions that could be beneficial to deal with, and just accept them. Process them. Then learn to rid of them in a healthy way if that is still what I want!

This is for all of those who keep asking me “How are you?”

Have you ever gotten earth shattering news?  Where it literally felt as though your whole body could not stop shaking yet everything around you was as still as a firm statue? And the air you once called your own seemed to be robbed from the lungs who did nothing but love and nurture it?  Where your hands and head suddenly became magnets that were attracted to each other, while your knees fell in love with the feeling of your chest at the same moment your eyes began to mimic a salty waterfall? And silence happened to be escaping everything except for you? Where your mind was invaded by a bunch of barbarians who found it funny to knock down and tear up your organized mind? And your thought process rewinded itself all the way back to when you were a child because you were suddenly convinced if you could not see anything, or you pretended it did not exist, then it actually did not exist?

That is what it felt like when my eyes became glued to an e-mail telling me that I did not receive a position as an alpha leader. That is what it felt like to have all my dreams for next year crumble, and my confidence be chopped down to a stub like an unnecessary tree. That is what it felt like to find out all my friends have what it takes to be all that I want to be, but I do not, and will never have the chance to be that again. That is what it felt like to be turned down for yet another leadership position at APU. That is what it felt like to question if the college I thought was perfect for me, the college I uprooted my life for, the college that was draining my parents bank account, was even for me. That is what it felt like to have all understanding about my life, and who I am be drained from my mind. That is what it felt like to receive earth shattering news.

All I have been dreaming about, since my second or third week of attending APU, is being an Alpha leader. Being the person who helps them adjust to life as a college freshman. The one who leaves cute encouraging notes during their midterms or finals, and sets up fun activities to do with other groups. I wanted to help them feel comfortable in their own skin; to teach them that they may be on a campus with tons of people they do not know, and even more people that are different from them in multiple ways, but that was okay! To teach them to embrace their differences, and diversity because that is what makes them who they are, and that is all they should want to be. Being an Alpha leader was important to me because my Alpha leader was not only the person who helped me adjust, but she taught me what it meant to be a friend who was selfless, and she was also a religious role model for me. She taught me to put God first (hah our school moto), and keep God in everything I do. Her teaching me this meant the world to me, and helped me tremendously, thats why I wanted to be an Alpha leader; I wanted to be that person for someone else. Some people may not understand why this means so much to me, but I believe we have the ability to change the world by helping people see the power of having God in our lives, and learning how to live as he called us to. That is why I am so shaken up about the fact that I do not get to be side by side with freshman who are still learning this concept, its truth, and helping them understand it by being an example to them.

So I guess what I am saying is right now I am not okay. I am not handling this well at all, but I am slowing coming to grips with the fact that I may not get to be that person for a group of Freshman next year, but maybe there is something more. I am learning to accept God’s plan for my life even if finding out part of his plan happens to shake and shatter everything I thought I knew. Its hard to understand that being an Alpha leader is not in His plan, even after so many people told me I would be perfect for the job and that they expected me to get Alpha more than anyone else.. But there is nothing else I can do but trust in him.

And I guess what I am also saying is that for those of you who do get the chance to be an Alpha leader; I hope you put your best into that group. I beg of you to pour your heart and soul into them, because even if you do not feel as though you may be affecting them or making a difference in their lives, I bet at least one thing will stick with them. And I hope for the life of me that what you leave them with is not a horrible experience that just wasted their time during their first semester like I heard happened for more of my friends than not. I pray that you teach them everything my Alpha leader taught me, and anything else you believe could benefit them. I hope you understand how lucky you are to get to be in a leadership position, because so many of us wanted to be in your place. And I beg you stick to the commitment you are making, because you have the ability to make their time in that group something they look forward to and grow in, or something they despise and talk badly about. Even though I am not an Alpha leader; I will be praying for all the people who have received Alpha and that God will also move in them, and assist them on this wonderful journey they get to be apart of. God bless.

“Gods way is better than your way. His plan is bigger than your plan. His dream for your life is more rewarding, more fulfilling, better than you’ve ever dreamed of. Now stay open and let God do it His way”

Reso-late-lutions

Yes yes I know it is the first day of March, and you are probably thinking, “Karly you missed the time allowed to talk about resolutions!” And in a way I agree with those who think that, but then again the two resolutions I am going to mention in this blog are incredibly important to me so I want to use this post to be a reminder.

The first resolution I have is to trust. Trust God. Trust my friends. Trust my family. Trust my heart. Trust my knowledge.Trust myself.

The Bible repeatedly tells us to trust God. Maybe not bluntly, but in many passages the message is to do so. I understand this. I understand the fact the he has unconditional love for me. I understand he sent his only son to die for MY sins. Yet why can I not fully trust him? I have this constant battle between surrendering it all to him, and only letting him help me with half of my struggles. He who created the universe. He who makes all things right. He who will love me and comfort me far more than anyone I could come into contact with. Gosh why cant my brain just hook onto that and feed off of it. I understand it, but my resolution is to let this consume and fill me up. I need to trust in his plan for my future, and trust he will provide what I need whether it be money or a confidence boost ; Trust God with my whole being.

Not many people realize this but I have major trust issues. I will go day by day pretending I trust the people around me so they do not feel insulted, but I confess I do not trust many people. Even if you might think I do. That sounds rude, but I cant help it. I cannot help the fact the I have been living my life with the same people for 6 months and there is only one person I can say I semi-trust. I see this as a problem. How can I fully be myself, or let out my emotions when I am feeling overwhelmed if there is no one I trust around me? I mean, yes, I can call up one of my best friends who are hundreds of miles away, but nothing could beat having someone right there next to me eating junk food and getting sad with. So my resolution is to let people in and trust them, because like Earnest Hemingway said “the best way to find out if you can trust somebody is to trust them.”

Then trust myself. Oh boy, oh boy. Do you ever just feel super insecure? Not just about appearances or how stupid you sound when you talk, but about your intelligence or social skills? Well I do. Sometimes I will be talking to someone and I just think to myself, “Why would anyone in this world care about one single thing I say.” Then other times I will be writing about a topic and I think, “Wow this is only something someone who is smart should be writing about, I bet anything I write will not make sense, oh great.” This semester I want to apply myself so much that I cannot deny the fact that I am intelligent enough to be typing about the topic given to me. I also want to just let go of my expectations for myself, as in how I look or need to act, and trust that I am good enough.

My second resolution I have is to remember every second might be my last.

The other day in one of my classes my teacher mentioned this. She spoke about how she tries to live in every moment, and outing she gets. For example running errands with your mom, though it may be a silly task that is a necessity you may never get to create those memories again, so make the most of it. Be in the moment. And live it up, because how much would you regret just going through the motions of something with someone if you found out that was the last time you got to do that with them, or just flat out get to be with them. We are not guaranteed any amount of time in life, so expecting to see someone tomorrow, or be alive yourself tomorrow isn’t realistic. Make the most of every moment, and make every moment a memory for other people too 🙂