This is for all of those who keep asking me “How are you?”

Have you ever gotten earth shattering news?  Where it literally felt as though your whole body could not stop shaking yet everything around you was as still as a firm statue? And the air you once called your own seemed to be robbed from the lungs who did nothing but love and nurture it?  Where your hands and head suddenly became magnets that were attracted to each other, while your knees fell in love with the feeling of your chest at the same moment your eyes began to mimic a salty waterfall? And silence happened to be escaping everything except for you? Where your mind was invaded by a bunch of barbarians who found it funny to knock down and tear up your organized mind? And your thought process rewinded itself all the way back to when you were a child because you were suddenly convinced if you could not see anything, or you pretended it did not exist, then it actually did not exist?

That is what it felt like when my eyes became glued to an e-mail telling me that I did not receive a position as an alpha leader. That is what it felt like to have all my dreams for next year crumble, and my confidence be chopped down to a stub like an unnecessary tree. That is what it felt like to find out all my friends have what it takes to be all that I want to be, but I do not, and will never have the chance to be that again. That is what it felt like to be turned down for yet another leadership position at APU. That is what it felt like to question if the college I thought was perfect for me, the college I uprooted my life for, the college that was draining my parents bank account, was even for me. That is what it felt like to have all understanding about my life, and who I am be drained from my mind. That is what it felt like to receive earth shattering news.

All I have been dreaming about, since my second or third week of attending APU, is being an Alpha leader. Being the person who helps them adjust to life as a college freshman. The one who leaves cute encouraging notes during their midterms or finals, and sets up fun activities to do with other groups. I wanted to help them feel comfortable in their own skin; to teach them that they may be on a campus with tons of people they do not know, and even more people that are different from them in multiple ways, but that was okay! To teach them to embrace their differences, and diversity because that is what makes them who they are, and that is all they should want to be. Being an Alpha leader was important to me because my Alpha leader was not only the person who helped me adjust, but she taught me what it meant to be a friend who was selfless, and she was also a religious role model for me. She taught me to put God first (hah our school moto), and keep God in everything I do. Her teaching me this meant the world to me, and helped me tremendously, thats why I wanted to be an Alpha leader; I wanted to be that person for someone else. Some people may not understand why this means so much to me, but I believe we have the ability to change the world by helping people see the power of having God in our lives, and learning how to live as he called us to. That is why I am so shaken up about the fact that I do not get to be side by side with freshman who are still learning this concept, its truth, and helping them understand it by being an example to them.

So I guess what I am saying is right now I am not okay. I am not handling this well at all, but I am slowing coming to grips with the fact that I may not get to be that person for a group of Freshman next year, but maybe there is something more. I am learning to accept God’s plan for my life even if finding out part of his plan happens to shake and shatter everything I thought I knew. Its hard to understand that being an Alpha leader is not in His plan, even after so many people told me I would be perfect for the job and that they expected me to get Alpha more than anyone else.. But there is nothing else I can do but trust in him.

And I guess what I am also saying is that for those of you who do get the chance to be an Alpha leader; I hope you put your best into that group. I beg of you to pour your heart and soul into them, because even if you do not feel as though you may be affecting them or making a difference in their lives, I bet at least one thing will stick with them. And I hope for the life of me that what you leave them with is not a horrible experience that just wasted their time during their first semester like I heard happened for more of my friends than not. I pray that you teach them everything my Alpha leader taught me, and anything else you believe could benefit them. I hope you understand how lucky you are to get to be in a leadership position, because so many of us wanted to be in your place. And I beg you stick to the commitment you are making, because you have the ability to make their time in that group something they look forward to and grow in, or something they despise and talk badly about. Even though I am not an Alpha leader; I will be praying for all the people who have received Alpha and that God will also move in them, and assist them on this wonderful journey they get to be apart of. God bless.

“Gods way is better than your way. His plan is bigger than your plan. His dream for your life is more rewarding, more fulfilling, better than you’ve ever dreamed of. Now stay open and let God do it His way”

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